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#120 Sister Wives

Being the second wife can be an incredibly challenging experience. For starters, you’re a little peeved at the fact that he didn’t wait for you. After all, you waited for him. So you’re the second ‘one,’ which kinda poisons the ‘one’ tree. But it doesn’t matter because you’ve finally met your soulmate - the person you’ve been waiting to share your life with (More on him later). As the second wife, the situation looks a bit different than the first. While you share your bed together every night, and experience each other’s morning breath the following day, there are a few things that are unique to the second wife. If he has children, you now instantly become a mother. WHOA! This changes everything itself. You are thrust into the role of parent, which is both incredible and challenging at the same time. You’ve missed out on the first few years of their life when attachment and bonding take place, which means you’re going to get rejected - A LOT. This is going to suck bigtime. When you try to take his two-year-old out of the car and she screams and tries to kick you, you will feel hurt, despite the fact that you keep telling yourself she’s two and her actions completely make sense. You’re a stranger to her, and she’s got every right to kick your ass. But it still hurts your heart a little. Their mommy doesn’t get this treatment, nor does daddy. This kindness is just bestowed upon you. Awesome! You dust yourself off and get back in the game, ready to play with them (because you’ve got the maturity of a seven-year-old anyway, and love a good whoopee cushion), make their lunches, pick them up after school (even when they ask where daddy is each time), shower them despite resistance, make them dinner, do their homework, and read them books before bed. The bedtime reading part is the best because their both snuggled up on either side of you, eager to hear the story. Your serotonin levels are skyrocketing. There is a lot of hard work involved, and for a few years, you get mostly crap in return. Now, some may say, “this is what it is to be a mother or a father.” But it’s not. When one of the children get hurt, and both daddy and I are within the same vicinity, they will always choose daddy. This changes as they get older, but as I said, it does suck for a while. Aside from the first couple years that both of their parents have had to bond with them, there is also a biological component that connects them in a way that I never will. That’s just the way it is. I can’t change my DNA. At least not yet anyway. So being a second wife blows chunks sometimes.

But you know what makes it great? If you’re lucky, you get an amazing first wife. You didn’t choose to marry her. But when you joined forces with her ex-husband, she came with the package. She will be in your life forever, as a co-parent. You will need to communicate about children’s birthday parties, school, after-school programs, summer camps, doctors appointments, dentist appointments, and play dates. This could be challenging. But if you’re fortunate enough, you get an incredible first wife (a.k.a sister wife) who is open to you, who welcomes you as a co-parent, who values your opinion and asks for advice, who invites you to join just her and the kids for a weekend at their summer camp where you all sleep in the same cabin, change in front of each other, and have a few drinks at the end of the night while roasting marshmallows. I don’t think it gets more intimate than that. You two go to a therapist together to talk about the kids and how to best parent them because, above all else, you both know what matters most is the kids and their well-being. This has always been your guiding light - the kids. She invites you and your husband (her ex-husband) to ski with her entire family during the winter, which at first is slightly awkward. But once you all recognize that, it disappears and what is left is a family.



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