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#92 Farting in the beginning of a relationship

FARTING AT THE BEGINNING OF A RELATIONSHIP – Farting is hilarious. No doubt about it. But the farting stages of a relationship are even better. So here they are right from the beginning.

Stage 1: During the early phases of courtship, usually the first two to three months, both partners are on their best behaviour, trying to show the other just how awesome they are so that they will fall madly and helplessly in love. This is the part when you pretend to be significantly cooler than you really are. You shower more frequently than you ever have, exercise just a little bit more, and suddenly turn into a cheeky, sexy texter. But after a romantic dinner finishes and you are back at your apartment, snuggling in bed after some steamy ‘early courtship sex’, it suddenly hits you. You have to fart. Your eyes pop open wide and you suck in that fart as hard as you can because there is no way in hell you’re going to fart in front of him. Thankfully it passes and your body relaxes back into his arms. Unfortunately, not moments later, the fart returns and wants out, whether you like it or not. You try to suck it back in but now you’re starting to get a stomach ache. So you quietly sneak out of the bedroom, slowly open the front door of the apartment and walk down the hallway before releasing a five-minute fart. Ahhhhhhhhh.

Stage 2: You’ve made it past the first few months and are madly in love. You’re a bit more comfortable now, but as far as he’s concerned you don’t fart. It’s quite miraculous. You’ve gone into the hallway a number of times, and he’s starting to wonder why you choose the middle of the night to take out the garbage. The jig will be up if you don’t get it together. You need a new plan. And the truth is, he’s a deep sleeper so he probably won’t hear you in the living room anyway. So you sneak out of bed as per usual and let it rip in the living room, though still trying to release it slowly to prevent the sound of a bomb going off.

Stage 3: You’re six months in now. You’ve both said, ‘I love you’ so the comfort levels have significantly increased. You’ve shared your deepest, ugliest and sexiest secrets, and in one fateful night, he reveals to you that he’s known all along about your secret fart-capades in the hallway and the living room. In actual fact, he used that time to release his own cloud of stank. You both laugh and decide that it’s okay to fart in front of each other. Halleluiah!

Stage 4: Who’s the best farter? You’ve been together over a year now, and farting has become as common place as breathing. In fact, it’s almost become a competition now. You’re in the middle of telling him a story when he interrupts you. “Wait. Shhh honey. Listen to this. Pfffffff!” And at first it is funny. But after awhile your response becomes, “Ah come on now, babe. You can do better than that” or “You think that’s good? Listening to this!” as you turn on all fours with your back arched and let one rip as hard as you can, while trying to not let anything else escape from your derriere.

Which ever phase your in, farts are funny; so funny in fact that I bought myself a fart machine to use in therapy session with my clients. After all, they say laughter is one of the best forms of therapy. So fart on people! LET ‘EM RIP!


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